Travellers be warned: whether you’re escaping to Ecuador, jet-setting to Johannesburg or just flying home for the holidays, Dec. 19 is the busiest travel day of the year for Canadians. If you’re braving the crowds this Saturday, you’re going to need a little more than extra time to keep you sane when you can’t get a seat for your three-hour wait at gate 7D. From podcasts to people-watching to the Passenger Shaming Instagram feed, here’s our list of 31 things that’ll help you laugh your way through it.
1. Download and listen to any episode of the Mortified podcast, where adults read the journal entries, poetry, hate letters, etc. they wrote as kids. (“I Hate the SATs” is a good place to start).
2. Remember when Delta Airlines’ infused their cabins with a blend of lavender and chamomile called “Calm” and Reader’s Digest crowd-sourced a better name for the in-cabin scent of an economy cabin, only to receive answers like “Eau The Humanity”, “Claustrophobique” and “Giorgio’s Arm-on-me”.
3. For the pop-culture junkie, jam 365 days of Internet hilarity into six minutes with YouTube Rewind, a mash-up of the best viral videos of 2015. Keep an eye out for guest appearances from James Corden, Jimmy Kimmel and, well, pretty much everyone else who graced your Facebook feed this year.
4. Follow the @stats_canada Twitter for parody statistics about our home and native land (“98% of Leafs fans don’t want to talk about it”).
5. Make your own Airport Bingo board, filling squares with such travel-day tropes as children atop ride-on luggage, person who doesn’t know their headphones aren’t plugged in and spotting a D-list celebrity. Loser buys lunch.
7. Read Mindy Kaling’s latest book. It’s chock-full of hilarious essays you can read chapter by chapter between check-ins.
8. You may usually reserve your singing chops for solo in-shower performances, but playing the airport waiting game can make anyone need a melodic pick-me-up. Unfortunately, belting out Disney favourites is probably more widely accepted if you are part of the Broadway production, so, instead watch this epic airport sing-off between the casts of “The Lion King” and “Aladdin” during a six-hour delay. Hakuna Matata, right?
9. After you breeze through Kaling during the first leg of your journey, follow it up with “Modern Romance” by Aziz Ansari, then…
10. Stream “Master of None” on Netflix and wonder what you’ve been doing without it all this time.
11. Is your sense of humour more stand-up special than sitcom? Try one of these 25 comedy specials on Netflix. Maniacal laughter may free up some nearby seats at the gate.
12. Check out the Passenger Shaming Instagram account. Keep an eye out for any worthy contenders who may be on your flight. After too many bare-feet-on-armrest photos, cleanse your visual palette with some travel inspiration on the Cheapflights IG.
13. If you’re passing time with a group during a layover in a different city—or better yet, country—channel your inner “Masterchef” and have each person branch out and find one food they’ve never heard of before. Rate each signature dish before chowing down. Gordon Ramsay would be proud.
14. Snapchat your way through the airport bustle, narrating as you go. Or, for the more adventurous…
15. Make a solo music video. Like this creative genius.
16. Find out what your favourite Kama Seatra position is.
17. Have your family re-enact the airport scene from “Home Alone”. Post to Instagram. Merry Christmas, dear followers.
18. Stage a flash mob to “Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae)” with as many good-sport septuagenarians as you can find. Become a viral sensation.
19. Get your shoes shined. Bonus points if they’re Sorels. Or flip-flops.
20. Stream any YouTube clip featuring Jimmy Fallon, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler together. (We recommend this one).
21. Download Dubsmash and record reenactments of all your favourite airport movie scenes.
22. Check in on Socality Barbie and her #authentic #blessed life.
23. Read everyone’s favourite tweet from 2012.
24. Go to the nearest 10-Minute Manicure and get a relevant 10-letter message painted onto your fingers. (“Plane Snakz”).
25. Watch “Up In The Air”. Feel very meta about the whole thing.
26. Relive that magical time Charles Barkley pronounced Toronto Raptor Jonas Valanciunas’ name “Vaseline-and-hot-sauce”.
27. Crash someone’s cell phone conversation: Sit down beside anyone on a call. Put your phone to your ear, but fill in the blanks of the stranger’s conversation. Act bewildered when confronted. Basically, pull a this guy.
28. Make your own carry-on cocktail kit by sourcing all the ingredients for your signature drink in the airport before boarding. A packet of brown sugar here, a dash of bitters there…
29. Make up an alter ego based on whatever you’re wearing. Suit and tie? High-rolling bank exec, millionaire by 25. Sweats and sneakers? Off-duty Pan Am athlete. Sport of choice: table tennis.
30. Make a sign that says “Kardashian” and hold it outside a gate.
31. Still have some time to kill? Do a little last-minute trip prep with 15 ways to make sure you miss your flight, how to convince friends and family to pick you up at the airport, and what you’d really like to write on your friends’ vacation Instagrams.
Main image: istock.com/-aniaostudio-
